COVID Chuckles – ‘The Perils of PC Express’ and ‘Why I Threw My Electric Toothbrush Out the Bathroom Window at 4:38 am’
Author: Chris Thompson P. Eng.
[email protected]
613-692-5380
Date: September 16, 2020
Author: Chris Thompson (retired Professional Engineer (electrical engineering) and drummer/bassist in gigging small jazz ensembles and big bands for 50 (!) years)
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Ottawa Jazz Happenings or of JazzWorks Canada.
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and are not necessarily those of Ottawa Jazz Happenings or of JazzWorks Canada.
Introduction
It’s important to try keep a sense of humour at all times, and especially during crises such as the current pandemic. This week’s article is two recent personal anecdotes which you may find amusing.
It’s important to try keep a sense of humour at all times, and especially during crises such as the current pandemic. This week’s article is two recent personal anecdotes which you may find amusing.
The Perils of PC Express
I have to admit that I’ve gotten spoiled by PC Express – the online grocery ordering service. We started using it at the beginning of the pandemic when it was being recommended that people stay at home as much as possible. My wife and I are members of the ‘older adult vulnerable population’ (late 60s). At that time when you used PC Express you had to order your groceries at least a week ahead of time since, like Zoom meetings, the demand for online grocery shopping shot up twenty times overnight and ‘the system’ wasn’t prepared for it. Predicting what groceries you’re going to need in a week or more is a planning challenge.
I don’t have a middle name but, if I did, it would be ‘Lazy’. I’ve gotten used to doing our grocery shopping using my iPhone from the comfort of my reclining armchair. And now if you place your PC Express order in the morning you can pick your groceries up that afternoon. Probably a combination of fewer people using PC Express now and more staff having been assigned to put together the grocery orders. All I have to do then is drive over to our local Independent in Manotick, park in a designated parking spot, phone them to tell them that I’m there, and then a cheerful young staff member brings out the groceries on a cart and puts them in the back of my SUV. I can open and close the rear hatch from the driver’s seat, so I don’t even have to get out. For me, the $3 service fee is well worth the money.
The only problem with PC Express is that, although there’s an image of what you’re adding to your virtual shopping cart, you can’t actually see what you’re going to receive. Early in July I placed a PC Express order and ordered what I thought was a bag of Brussels sprouts.
Aside – I should point out that, growing up, Brussels sprouts were one vegetable I refused to eat (another is lima beans). I’m convinced that this is because my parents were ‘old school’ when it came to cooking vegetables. They would put whatever poor vegetable it was into a saucepan full of water and boil it until it was mush. These days we know that the result of this was that most of the vegetable’s nutrients ended up in the water and that it would have been healthier for us if our parents had thrown out the boiled vegetables and made us drink the water in which they were boiled. In the case of Brussels sprouts, these were boiled until they were the consistency of – I’m sorry, it’s the only analogy I can think of – decomposing testicles. However, some time ago my wife came across a recipe for cooking Brussels sprouts that involves stripping off the outer leaves, cutting the Brussels sprouts in half, and sautéing them flat side down in a frying pan with olive oil and whatever spices you like (e.g. roasted garlic flakes), optionally flipping them over, until the flat side is brown. They’re delicious and now I love them. Who knew!
Back to my story – I picked up the grocery order, brought it home, and my wife unpacked it and put the groceries away. Note that these are not predefined gender roles – sometimes my wife picks up the order and I unpack it and put the groceries away. And sometimes (actually, it seems to me to be most of the time) I pick up the grocery order, bring it home, unpack it, and put the groceries away. Meanwhile, I was upstairs in my study on my computer. My wife came up the stairs laughing hysterically. In her hand was one of those clear plastic bags that they have on rolls in the grocery store and that you spend five minutes trying to open (my technique is to put the top of the bag between my lips and blow a raspberry as loudly as I can, to the shock and great consternation of any nearby shoppers). In the plastic bag was a single Brussels sprout. That’s right – not a bag of Brussels sprouts, but a single Brussels sprout. Instead of ordering one bag of Brussels sprouts, I had inadvertently ordered one Brussels sprout. I’ll never know what the staff member who filled our order thought we were going to do with a single Brussels sprout, but he/she dutifully filled the order. The single Brussels sprout in its clear plastic bag sat in our vegetable crisper in our fridge for several weeks while we tried to figure out what you could do with a single Brussels sprout. It actually ended up being cut into thin slices and added to a salad for four.
I have to admit that I’ve gotten spoiled by PC Express – the online grocery ordering service. We started using it at the beginning of the pandemic when it was being recommended that people stay at home as much as possible. My wife and I are members of the ‘older adult vulnerable population’ (late 60s). At that time when you used PC Express you had to order your groceries at least a week ahead of time since, like Zoom meetings, the demand for online grocery shopping shot up twenty times overnight and ‘the system’ wasn’t prepared for it. Predicting what groceries you’re going to need in a week or more is a planning challenge.
I don’t have a middle name but, if I did, it would be ‘Lazy’. I’ve gotten used to doing our grocery shopping using my iPhone from the comfort of my reclining armchair. And now if you place your PC Express order in the morning you can pick your groceries up that afternoon. Probably a combination of fewer people using PC Express now and more staff having been assigned to put together the grocery orders. All I have to do then is drive over to our local Independent in Manotick, park in a designated parking spot, phone them to tell them that I’m there, and then a cheerful young staff member brings out the groceries on a cart and puts them in the back of my SUV. I can open and close the rear hatch from the driver’s seat, so I don’t even have to get out. For me, the $3 service fee is well worth the money.
The only problem with PC Express is that, although there’s an image of what you’re adding to your virtual shopping cart, you can’t actually see what you’re going to receive. Early in July I placed a PC Express order and ordered what I thought was a bag of Brussels sprouts.
Aside – I should point out that, growing up, Brussels sprouts were one vegetable I refused to eat (another is lima beans). I’m convinced that this is because my parents were ‘old school’ when it came to cooking vegetables. They would put whatever poor vegetable it was into a saucepan full of water and boil it until it was mush. These days we know that the result of this was that most of the vegetable’s nutrients ended up in the water and that it would have been healthier for us if our parents had thrown out the boiled vegetables and made us drink the water in which they were boiled. In the case of Brussels sprouts, these were boiled until they were the consistency of – I’m sorry, it’s the only analogy I can think of – decomposing testicles. However, some time ago my wife came across a recipe for cooking Brussels sprouts that involves stripping off the outer leaves, cutting the Brussels sprouts in half, and sautéing them flat side down in a frying pan with olive oil and whatever spices you like (e.g. roasted garlic flakes), optionally flipping them over, until the flat side is brown. They’re delicious and now I love them. Who knew!
Back to my story – I picked up the grocery order, brought it home, and my wife unpacked it and put the groceries away. Note that these are not predefined gender roles – sometimes my wife picks up the order and I unpack it and put the groceries away. And sometimes (actually, it seems to me to be most of the time) I pick up the grocery order, bring it home, unpack it, and put the groceries away. Meanwhile, I was upstairs in my study on my computer. My wife came up the stairs laughing hysterically. In her hand was one of those clear plastic bags that they have on rolls in the grocery store and that you spend five minutes trying to open (my technique is to put the top of the bag between my lips and blow a raspberry as loudly as I can, to the shock and great consternation of any nearby shoppers). In the plastic bag was a single Brussels sprout. That’s right – not a bag of Brussels sprouts, but a single Brussels sprout. Instead of ordering one bag of Brussels sprouts, I had inadvertently ordered one Brussels sprout. I’ll never know what the staff member who filled our order thought we were going to do with a single Brussels sprout, but he/she dutifully filled the order. The single Brussels sprout in its clear plastic bag sat in our vegetable crisper in our fridge for several weeks while we tried to figure out what you could do with a single Brussels sprout. It actually ended up being cut into thin slices and added to a salad for four.
Why I Threw My Electric Toothbrush Out the Bathroom Window at 4:38 am
Several years ago, on the advice of my dentist, I purchased a Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush. Until recently, I’ve been quite happy with it. The electric toothbrush worked well and would last a week or more on a single charge. My dental hygienist was happy that her job was easier, and I was also happy that her job was easier, since it involves seemingly endless vigorous scraping away at my teeth with sharp metal instruments.
However, this happy situation changed a couple of weeks ago when my electric toothbrush developed a mind of its own and became evil. Normally you push a button on the Sonicare and it runs for two minutes, with a brief interruption every 30 seconds to remind you to change ‘quadrants’. Until I bought an electric toothbrush I never realized that my teeth even had ‘quadrants’. My toothbrush started spontaneously starting at random times and running for the two minutes before stopping. Now the Sonicare toothbrush vibrates at about 512 Hz (31,000 brush strokes per minute), which musicians will know is C above middle C on the piano, which is very audible.
Although my Sonicare does not have an internal clock, it seemed to know what time of day (or night) is was and would spontaneously cheerfully start in the early hours of the morning when you’re in a light sleep and easily woken up. Since we have an en suite bathroom which is open to our bedroom (there's a pocket door between the two which we leave open most of the time), the toothbrush was very loud and very annoying and, needless to say, woke us both up.
At first I found that pressing the ‘on’ switch or starting the Sonicare recharging would turn it off, but this was short-lived. After awhile this would either have no effect, or the Sonicare would start making an ominous bzt-bzt-bzzzt-bzt-bzt-bzzzt sound which, translated, meant “You think you’ve stopped me, but I’m just waiting until you’re asleep again.”.
One day I was trying to have a nap (I’m retired and naps are a critical part of my daily routine) when my Sonicare turned itself on. I got up, grabbed my vibrating Sonicare, stuffed it in between some towels in the linen closet in our en suite bathroom, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. I got up, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from the linen closet in our en suite bathroom, and stuffed it in between some pillows in our upstairs hall linen closet, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. I got up, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from our upstairs hall linen closet, went downstairs and stuffed it in between some blankets in a cedar chest in our front hall, went back upstairs, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. At that point I got up for the third time, went downstairs, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from the cedar chest, and took it downstairs to our basement. I spotted my sledge hammer in the corner and was momentarily tempted to permanently stop my Sonicare from vibrating. However, the replacement toothbrush (a Braun Oral B) I had ordered from amazon.ca hadn’t arrived yet, so I still needed my Sonicare. I stuffed it inside a comforter in our basement, went back upstairs, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I finally could not hear it buzzing.
I used my Sonicare the next day but forgot to put it back in the basement when I went to bed. Sure enough, at 4:38 am it turned itself on. I had had enough. I removed the screen from our en suite bathroom window, opened the window, grabbed the still vibrating Sonicare, and hurled it out the second storey window as hard as I could. I found it the next morning on our back lawn where, presumably, it must have terrified the local wildlife when it landed, still vibrating. My Sonicare is now in a ‘hazardous waste’ bin in our basement, not only because it contains rechargeable batteries which should not be put in the normal garbage, but also because of its evil nature.
I subsequently received my Braun Oral B electric toothbrush and have to say that, so far, it is behaving. However, my wife also has a Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush which is not as old as mine was and so I live in fear of its also developing a mind of its own and becoming evil ...
Note: I subsequently learned via a Google search that this is a common problem with the Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush. After awhile, the seals fail and water gets inside and onto the circuit board where it shorts out the contacts that turn the toothbrush on.
Several years ago, on the advice of my dentist, I purchased a Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush. Until recently, I’ve been quite happy with it. The electric toothbrush worked well and would last a week or more on a single charge. My dental hygienist was happy that her job was easier, and I was also happy that her job was easier, since it involves seemingly endless vigorous scraping away at my teeth with sharp metal instruments.
However, this happy situation changed a couple of weeks ago when my electric toothbrush developed a mind of its own and became evil. Normally you push a button on the Sonicare and it runs for two minutes, with a brief interruption every 30 seconds to remind you to change ‘quadrants’. Until I bought an electric toothbrush I never realized that my teeth even had ‘quadrants’. My toothbrush started spontaneously starting at random times and running for the two minutes before stopping. Now the Sonicare toothbrush vibrates at about 512 Hz (31,000 brush strokes per minute), which musicians will know is C above middle C on the piano, which is very audible.
Although my Sonicare does not have an internal clock, it seemed to know what time of day (or night) is was and would spontaneously cheerfully start in the early hours of the morning when you’re in a light sleep and easily woken up. Since we have an en suite bathroom which is open to our bedroom (there's a pocket door between the two which we leave open most of the time), the toothbrush was very loud and very annoying and, needless to say, woke us both up.
At first I found that pressing the ‘on’ switch or starting the Sonicare recharging would turn it off, but this was short-lived. After awhile this would either have no effect, or the Sonicare would start making an ominous bzt-bzt-bzzzt-bzt-bzt-bzzzt sound which, translated, meant “You think you’ve stopped me, but I’m just waiting until you’re asleep again.”.
One day I was trying to have a nap (I’m retired and naps are a critical part of my daily routine) when my Sonicare turned itself on. I got up, grabbed my vibrating Sonicare, stuffed it in between some towels in the linen closet in our en suite bathroom, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. I got up, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from the linen closet in our en suite bathroom, and stuffed it in between some pillows in our upstairs hall linen closet, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. I got up, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from our upstairs hall linen closet, went downstairs and stuffed it in between some blankets in a cedar chest in our front hall, went back upstairs, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I could still hear it buzzing. At that point I got up for the third time, went downstairs, retrieved my still vibrating Sonicare from the cedar chest, and took it downstairs to our basement. I spotted my sledge hammer in the corner and was momentarily tempted to permanently stop my Sonicare from vibrating. However, the replacement toothbrush (a Braun Oral B) I had ordered from amazon.ca hadn’t arrived yet, so I still needed my Sonicare. I stuffed it inside a comforter in our basement, went back upstairs, closed our bedroom door, and went back to bed. I finally could not hear it buzzing.
I used my Sonicare the next day but forgot to put it back in the basement when I went to bed. Sure enough, at 4:38 am it turned itself on. I had had enough. I removed the screen from our en suite bathroom window, opened the window, grabbed the still vibrating Sonicare, and hurled it out the second storey window as hard as I could. I found it the next morning on our back lawn where, presumably, it must have terrified the local wildlife when it landed, still vibrating. My Sonicare is now in a ‘hazardous waste’ bin in our basement, not only because it contains rechargeable batteries which should not be put in the normal garbage, but also because of its evil nature.
I subsequently received my Braun Oral B electric toothbrush and have to say that, so far, it is behaving. However, my wife also has a Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush which is not as old as mine was and so I live in fear of its also developing a mind of its own and becoming evil ...
Note: I subsequently learned via a Google search that this is a common problem with the Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush. After awhile, the seals fail and water gets inside and onto the circuit board where it shorts out the contacts that turn the toothbrush on.
Comments
David Fraser, 16-September-2020 - "Hey Chris, thanks for the funny Brussels sprout story. We had the opposite experience with PC Express. We thought we were ordering six bananas, but we got 6 bunches of bananas. An email to several neighbours led to enough being offloaded to make the situation manageable. The other hazard is not realizing how big some containers are. 200 g of crushed chillies is the lifetime supply size.” [Thanks for your comment, David. I haven't had comments from anyone else, so I'm glad at least one person read and enjoyed my article. ... Chris]
David Fraser, 16-September-2020 - "Hey Chris, thanks for the funny Brussels sprout story. We had the opposite experience with PC Express. We thought we were ordering six bananas, but we got 6 bunches of bananas. An email to several neighbours led to enough being offloaded to make the situation manageable. The other hazard is not realizing how big some containers are. 200 g of crushed chillies is the lifetime supply size.” [Thanks for your comment, David. I haven't had comments from anyone else, so I'm glad at least one person read and enjoyed my article. ... Chris]